


Not A Love Letter

by AestheticGalaxy



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, Letters, Love Letters, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch Is Gay for Simon Snow
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-02
Updated: 2020-01-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:20:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22076104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AestheticGalaxy/pseuds/AestheticGalaxy
Summary: I've done this kind of thing before but this is going to be a little bit different.The schedule for this fic is that it will be short updates because Jesus Christ, exams are taking it out of me.I LIKE ANGSTY PINING BAZ OKAY LEAVE ME ALONEWAYWARD SON DIDN'T HAPPEN.
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 5
Kudos: 34





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've done this kind of thing before but this is going to be a little bit different.
> 
> The schedule for this fic is that it will be short updates because Jesus Christ, exams are taking it out of me.
> 
> I LIKE ANGSTY PINING BAZ OKAY LEAVE ME ALONE  
> WAYWARD SON DIDN'T HAPPEN.

It's the way you smile that has my stomach all tied up in knots. You smile with your whole being: your lips: your eyes: your body. That boyish grin that manages to knock me sideways and shake me up for the rest of the day. The way each mole and freckle moves and joins together, creating even more constellations upon your skin. How time freezes, and just for a moment, the world seems to fade away.

And then you look at me.

And then your smile becomes a scowl.

Because I'm your worst enemy. Because to you, I'm the monster underneath the bed. Because to you, I'm a nightmare.

Disgusting, revolting, sick.

And I'm hopelessly in love with you.

Sometimes, I wonder if this is all some cruel joke. I wonder if the universe is just trying to take away the last little shred of dignity that I still somehow managed to keep. It didn't matter that it took my mother away from me when I was young. It didn't matter that it stole my life away and gave me a life sentence to live in the shadows feeding on living things. It didn't matter how damaged, broken, beat-up, or bruised I was. The universe gave me you; it hasn't stopped laughing since.

When you're lay there in bed, softly drooling away in your sleep, I wonder if you dream of me at all. Realistically, It's all dreams of piercing my heart with that damned sword of yours and running off with Wellbelove on your arm. I torture myself with the idea that you dream the same things that I do. That we aren't fighting. That we live together peacefully, and maybe you hold my hand; possibly smile at me. Maybe you hold my face and whisper things that I so desperately want to hear. It's insane. I know. But sometimes to stay sane, I have to entertain myself with those fantasies no matter how much torture they bring me. That probably doesn't make any sense.

You never made any sense to me. How could one boy manage to tie up my heart and not even realise that he's doing it? You don't even want to do it, you hate me.

You tied up my heart in chains; I let you.

Simon Snow, you are my worst nightmare, and I love you.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was missing my boy, Simon.

I can't put a date on when it happened, but it did. Why does everything have to be so complicated?

I wish I didn't have to care about you coming back safe when you're just going on a small trip to the catacombs to feed. I wish I didn't get worried and stay up until two am waiting for you to come back. Why do I even wait for you? Because one day I'll hope you notice that I'm concerned for you?

Who am I kidding? All you do is antagonize me (that's a word you taught me). Maybe I deserve it. I've been kind of shitty to you the past few years. Then again, you did try and feed me to a Chimera. And push me down the stairs. And steal my voice. And steal my girlfriend.

Ex-girlfriend. She broke up with me for you. You have been flirting with her for the past few months. I used to think I was jealous of you getting all of her attention and having her all over you. Now I realise the only person's attention that I want, is yours.

I don't know what I feel anymore. Feelings are far too confusing and I think the human race should just abandon them at this rate. But seeing you with Agatha makes me feel sick and I just can't handle it. When I saw you two last week in the Wavering Wood I lost it. I was convinced Penny would have to stitch up my knuckles or something from punching the walls so much.

I can't even tell Penny about this. What would she say?

"That posh git?"

"Are you serious?"

"You're not even gay Simon!"

Would liking you mean that I'm gay? I don't really put much thought into things like sexuality. I have put a lot of thought into things like maybe holding your hand. Fuck, that sounds really fucking cringy doesn't it?

I just kind of want to be soft with you. Maybe sometimes when you're reading those bricks you call books I could come over and brush your hair behind your ear and maybe kiss your cheek.

Fucking hell that's gay isn't it? Then again, maybe I wanna be gay with you.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may relate too much to angsty Baz.

You're a human disaster. A disgrace to mages everywhere. I couldn't imagine a worse Chosen One.

Yet you manage to ignite every single cell in my undead body.

You're all consuming. A wildfire that's roaring with life. I couldn't imagine being so hopelessly in love with another.

No matter how much good it would do me.

I tear myself apart every night because you're the Mage's heir. You're meant to be this arrogant prick who's destined to save the world of mages then Fuck off with your pretty little girlfriend or whatever. But you're not. You're just a boy, trying to survive by doing what he's told. How the fuck can anyone hold that against you? You never asked for this.

I want you so much that I'm getting angry for you. And here I thought you were the more aggressive of the two of us.

I want you so much Simon.

I want everything you'd be willing to give to me.

I spoke to Wellbelove today.

I hope you're okay.

She told me that you two broke it off for good. I'm not too surprised. Wellbelove was explaining to me a while back she wanted to break things off with you, although looking back on it now she may have been trying to imply something with that. She may have been flirting with me. I'm not too sure.

I'm not going after her Snow, she's not really my type.

My type is blue eyes, bronze curls, moles on every inch of his skin, a courageous fuck, an absolute nightmare, someone I can never have, someone who would rather pierce my body with a sword than smile at me, someone who would rather have me dead than even think about me.

Even if there was a chance that you could ever like me back, what would we do? Just forget the past seven years of hostility? Just forget the war between the Mage and the Old Families? Just kiss and be happy boyfriends? Just pretend that everything's fine?

You'd rather stake my heart out.


End file.
